I thought I liked to cook. But looking back, I can't remember a time I ever liked to cook. Where did I get this crazy notion? Yes, I am an excellent cook, but I really don't enjoy it.
I'm frustrated. There are so many things I think I enjoy doing. Or things that I think I want to do. But when it comes down to it either I'm really just not that interested in doing these things or I don't have the motivation to do them. But which is it? I don't know.
Like today. I picked all my tomatoes, and there were a lot, thinking that I'd like to can them or make spaghetti sauce and can that. But now that they're all picked and in my house I'm at a loss at to what to do with them all. Do I really want to can them? I think I do. But then I think of the mess and the time it takes and the I-have-no-idea-what-I'm-doing. The time it'll take? I'm being ridiculous. I have plenty of time. Plenty of time to sit at my computer all day. I think I'm just lazy.
I think that's usually my problem. I'm lazy. I don't know how to get out of this rut and I'm frustrated. I'm frustrated and irritated at myself for my laziness.
I planted a garden this year. It did so well (compared to past years). But a couple of the things didn't get harvested, ok a lot of it didn't get harvested. Broccoli, green beans, lettuce, cucumbers... And a few things got harvested but just sat there, untouched...carrots, more green beans, zucchini...All things that I love, but I just didn't want to prepare. People are probably reading this thinking how wasteful I am. That's ok. Those people are right.
I want to homeschool my kids again. I want to can tomatoes, sauces, salsa, fruits and jams. I want to bake all my own bread and make my own tortillas. I want to raise chickens for eggs and cows for milk. I want to sew baby blankets for Humanitarian Aide. I want to sew new clothes and little things for the next rendezvous. I want to be a good mom. The list goes on and on. But will I ever do these things? I don't know. Do I really want to do these things? Or do I just think I do?
I don't know.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Who Am I?
Posted by jessica rabbit at 1:01 PM
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4 comments:
Like I said...get out of my head! I couldn't have said it better...I feel the same...
sounds like depression actually. what you are feeling are classic symptoms of depression.
Ya, I know. I was having a super crappy day. =) Since then I've canned home-made applesauce, peach syrup (was supposed to be jam), raspberry jam and raspberry-peach jam. Today I plan to can home-made spaghetti sauce.
Depression's a bitch.
Glad you are feeling better. I go through the EXACT same thing- tons of motivation then nothing. Like scrapbooking!! I love it, at least I thought I did and then do I really want to drag all that stuff out no... so then I don't do something I THOUGHT I enjoyed. Crazy! I'm so glad it passed and for me too! Here's hoping for a great week!!
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